a collection of the random shit i find on the internet. and under my bed.
for Jim Beam to come roaring through the door and scream “YOU ARE A FUCKING DISGRACE” at me for last night.
-got my head wrapped in fucking electrical tape. pain in the ass.
-pondered furiously why I had chocolate powder all over me. not what it sounds like unfortunately.
-killed a bottle of burbon. fucking classy.
-attempted to annoy everyone by asking if I was being “redneck enough” to drink from the bottles. succeeded.
-called everyone I could think of in my contacts list. horror show. i am honestly so sorry. (pfft, no i’m not)
-told my mom I didn’t need a ride because i was “drunk. in a happy way”.
-filmed Rev laughing to himself in the corner. cackleing ensued.
-called dominos but never received food. interesting.
-played the points game with krzys. i won.
-proceeded to laugh at Krzys because he was stuck with three couples and two other guys.
-tried to make a torch out of matches. it worked actually.
-threw sparklers off the third floor balcony. they go out when they hit things, it’s lame.
-posted incredibly stupid things on facebook.
-project M was officially unaborted.
-woke up with a text from my sisters friend asking if my sister was alive.
-gaby is alive. somehow.
-bacon doesn’t cure hangovers for some reason. i’ts sad really.
-it is currently 7:00pm and i still feel like total shit.
-drunk phone calling people is now officially called “dick clarking”.
so. that was my night last night. krzys ended up hooking up with a 35 year old train wreck, i got asked if i was gay (twice), james started playing sherlock holmes with everyone at the bar and then some asshole ended up backhanding me in the face……….
it honestly amazes me what lows alcohol and testosterone take us men to.
my favorite sickness remedy. whiskey, orange juice and honey. or honey whiskey and orange juice, same difference. say goodbye to that cold.
or you can do it the Polish way, mix beer, some honey, ginger and a wee bit of vodka in a pot, heat it and pound it down. not only will you feel a million times better, you will be absolutely shitfaced, and that is what i call a successful remedy.
trust me. i am doctor.
(i’m going to paraphrase this because the spelling was fucking atrocious.)
“hey is josh”s penis circumcised?”
me: “lmfao, who the hell is this?”
“john h***… is it though?”
me: “here’s a better question, who are you assuming you’re texting?”
nothing for about 10 min, then i get a phone call from a 854 number. they hang up. then i get a call from a 617 number, which is boston area code.
“(girls voice) ummm.. who is this?!”
me: (don’t recognize the voice, definitely not some company) “i think you have the wrong number, who are you looking for?”
“no, i’ve had this number.”
me: “well i’m sorry, i don’t know who you are, what’s your name?”
“stacey, you were with your friend john in allston last weekend.. white horse bar?”
(at this point i’m creeped the fuck out becasue yes, i was at that bar last saturday, but not with anyone named john. and someone named john had just texted me asking about some other dudes dick)
me: “was it last friday?” (trying to trick her)
stacey: “no it was saturday.”
me: “ok, i kinda feel bad, but i don’t remember you and i don’t have a friend named john. by the way, did you meet anyone named josh?”
stacey: “no i don’t think so.”
me: “…………..call me back in an hour, because i have no fucking idea what is going on. i was at that bar on saturday, but i don’t remember meeting anyone named stacey, i don’t know any people named john. and i have someone else asking me about some kid named josh. so i dunno, let me figure this out. by the way, do you have any idea what my name is?”
stacey “yeah, it’s steve right? you sound way different on the phone though.”
(steve is a nickname my friends and i call each other, whenever we’re at a bar or club or whatever, we all call each other steve just to fuck with people.)
me: “call me back in an hour.”
it turns out the text and the phone call are probably unrelated, just a really strange coincidence, this girl probably messed up the name scott with john somehow. hopefully i get to the bottom of this because my usually dormant curiosity is now through the roof.